Not crazy, Just a Little Unwell...

My mind is buzzing. Mostly dark thoughts. I don't feel right. I feel mean. Is that me? Is that who I am now? I don't know at the moment. Do I know who I am? Would it scare me to know who I've become? I'm tired of the mood swings. Of being freakishly happy part of the day and borderline depressed the next part of the day. Why can't I just be happy all day and not feel like I'm lying through my teeth when I smile? When I laugh it feels real. When I smile, it usually feels real. Why does it still feel like I'm lying? Like I'm not really happy, that it's just a pretense? Why does it feel like the calm before the storm? I hate feeling apart. I feel like I'm drifting away, like I'm a totoally different person from a year ago. I feel like a stranger to my best friends. I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to fix myself. Maybe part of it is just that I'm antisocial...but still, I hardly talk anymore to those I love the most, and those I used to talk to about anything and everything. The other night, and even tonight I felt a mean thought at just about everything someone said. Lucky I'm so good at keeping my mouth shut, or I would have screwed stuff up for myself. That's another thing. I am so f-ing sick of feeling like every time I open my mouth either one of two things: 1. that no one will listen and 2. people will listen and I will say something so stupid that I am either humiliated or the other person looks at me differently (in a negative way) from there on out. How can I fix myself? When I pray, I feel detached. Like because I don't care anymore, I don't want to care, and therefore God won't hear me out. So I try to pray for others instead of myself...when I do pray. Would having God back in my life make everything all better? What even drove Him out? I shouldn't have ever let Him out of my sight, but now He seems out of reach....Someone recently asked me what kind of pain I've had in my life. Obviously something has me all screwed up inside. Maybe it's just that I'm female and I overthink things. Or maybe all of this nuttiness is just my doing over time. I wish the world would stop for a second so I can think things out. But school continues, work continues, I am swamped by homework, and people, and bills, and problems, and thoughts, with not a shred of time or energy left to break down and cry. Like I said. Dark thoughts. Dark mood. Hopefully my dreams won't be dark too.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StFfXP4eAgU

Just one of those days. . .

 How do I start this? Let's see, Friday was crappy. Saturday kinda sucked. Today is just plain boring as. . . well, you get it. I've had better weekends. But it happens to all of us. I think I'm just getting restless. It's the same people, the same house, the same predictable attitudes, the same insane boredom that comes with every summer, and the same sprawling fields of nothing but stalks of green. I'm ready to move on, to meet new people, to pick up my things and settle down somewhere, anywhere that I can call my own. A place I've worked hard to get, a place that, no matter how messy or ridiculous it looks, I can proudly call it my own, because a lot of time and effort led up to obtaining it. I'm ready to come home to sweet peace and quiet, to do my homework on that coffee table some guy was throwing out, to settle into my old leather couch I found at a garage sale for 100 bucks, to relax and watch some CSI on the new t.v. I saved so diligently for. See? I'm using big words. . . I MUST be agitated. . . lol. Well, I finally got Visual Web Developer installed, but I still can't get Silverlight to work. Taking it all one step at a time. Me, Mom, Grandmommy and the boys are going to see HP 7.2 tonight. Can't wait! :)

To start things off....

I have no idea what Silverlight is or how to use it. I've only ever used Adobe Flash, so this should be interesting. But. . . . mom is doing it, so I decided to too. Maybe we can team up or something. =) I was hesitant to at first because of all the ridiculous accounts I have to get; Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, and Linkedin to name them all. . . . I always told myself I would never get a Twitter account....ha ha right? Ohhh well. Now let's get started and download Silverlight! After all, I learn the best by fiddling! =)